Sexual Identity

What does it mean to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, Two Spirited or heterosexual?

Who is Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual

How do I know if I am Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual?

Am I Normal?

Learning to Like Myself

Who Should I Tell?

Things to Think About Before Coming Out to Family

What does it mean to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, two spirited or heterosexual?

Lesbians are females who fall in love with or are sexually attracted to other females more than they are to males. Being a lesbian does not mean that you cannot form close relationships with men. However, lesbians prefer women as partners and their sexual and romantic feelings for women are usually stronger and more important than their feelings or closeness for men.

Gay males fall in love with other males or are sexually attracted to males more than they are to females. Many gay men can form deep friendships with women but prefer men as romantic partners and have a much stronger attraction to men in terms of sexual and romantic feelings.

Bi-sexual people are females or males who are attracted to and have intimate relationships with people of both genders, females and males.

Two Spirited is often a term used in the Aboriginal culture to describe someone who is Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual.

Heterosexual people are males or females who are attracted to and have intimate relationships with people of the other gender.

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How do I know if I am Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual?

You may not know what to call your sexual feelings. You don't have to rush and decide how to label yourself right now. Sexual identities and feelings develop over time. Many adolescent boys and girls have intense sexual feelings at puberty (usually between 11 and 18 years of age) when their bodies begin to change and their hormones flow in new ways. Sometimes your sexual feelings may be so strong that they are not directed toward a particular person or situation, but seem to emerge without cause. Often, as you get older, you will figure out to whom you are really attracted.

You may feel that you are attracted to people of the same sex. You may find yourself falling in love with one of your classmates or developing a crush on an adult of the same sex.

Many adults may tell you that you're too young to call yourself gay, lesbian, or bisexual, or that you're going through a phase, or that you don't know what you're talking about. It is true that for some people, being attracted to someone of the same sex lasts only during adolescence. Some young people know for sure that they are lesbian, gay or bisexual, but others are not so certain. Sexual awareness develops over time, so don't worry if your preferences are not clear now. As you grow older your feelings will likely become more focused, and you will know if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual.

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Am I Normal?

Yes, you are normal! It's perfectly natural for people to be attracted to members of their own sex. But it's not something that is always accepted in our society. Many people, therefore, suppress their real feelings because of the prejudice against gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals.

You have probably heard the words ‘sexual orientation’ ‘ sexual preference’ or ‘sexual identity’ discussed. Each of these terms refers to whether one is attracted to people of the same gender (homosexual) or the opposite (heterosexual) or both (bisexual). Most scientific experts agree that a person’s sexual orientation is determined at a very young age, or maybe even before birth. And that we do not generally ‘choose’ our sexual orientation. Others believe that they choose their sexual orientation.

We're sometimes told that it's sick, perverted, sinful, or abnormal to feel an intense love for someone of our own sex. These are homophobic reactions that express some people's fear or hatred of homosexuals. It's normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're lesbian, gay, bisexual, or heterosexual. What's really important is that everyone likes and respects oneself and others, regardless of one's sexual orientation.

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Learning to Like Myself

It may not be easy to discover that you are gay. Some people make it very clear what they think of gays and lesbians by telling terrible jokes, promoting hurtful stereotypes, and spreading misinformation. Some people hate gays, lesbians, and bisexuals and many people are uncomfortable just being around them. It's no wonder that you might choose to hide your same-sex feelings from others.

You might even be tempted to hide them from yourself. You may wonder if you are normal. Perhaps you worry about people finding out about you. Maybe you avoid other kids who might be gay or lesbian because of what people will think. Working to conceal your identity is called 'being in the closet'. It is a painful and lonely place to be. It takes a lot of energy to deny your feelings and it can be costly. Some try using alcohol or other drugs to numb themselves against these thoughts. Some contemplate running away or even committing suicide. If you have considered suicide, please consult one of the resources on this web site or feel free to chat with one of our trained volunteers in order to talk to someone about your feelings rather than thinking about this drastic step.

All people have a right to feel good about themselves. We're all valuable human beings. Developing self-esteem is very important for all young people, including sexual minority youth.

It helps to read books about bisexual, lesbian and gay lives, but the books you read should have accurate information. Many of us lead fulfilling lives and are proud of who we are. It also might help to meet other gays, lesbians and bisexuals to find out how diverse we are. If you live in BC check out the resources below to learn more about local queer friendly youth groups and organizations.

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Who Should I Tell?

COMING OUT is a process of accepting yourself as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and deciding how open you want to be about your sexual orientation.

Unfortunately, not everyone you know will think that being a gay, or lesbian, or bisexual youth is the greatest thing you can be. It's hard to know who will be able to handle the information and give you support. Some may turn away from you or tell other people about you without your permission. Telling family can be very difficult. Some families are very supportive; however, some lesbian and gay youth have been rejected from their homes and families when their parents found out. It's important to have someone you can trust, someone to talk to, because it's not healthy to have to keep something so important a secret. Fortunately, much of society is showing greater acceptance and support for sexual minorities.

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Things to Think About Before Coming Out to Family

(adapted from Coming Out to Parents, by PFLAG)

Are you sure about your sexual orientation or gender identity?
If you're just starting to question yourself, it's probably better to get some answers to your own questions before having to deal with the reactions of close friends and family.

Are you comfortable with your sexual orientation or gender identity?
If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting. Coming out to family may require tremendous energy.

Do you have support?
If your family's reaction devastates you, there should be someone that you can turn to for emotional support and strength.

What is the emotional climate at home?
If you have a choice, consider the timing. Don't come out while your family is dealing with other major emotional issues.

Can you be patient?
Give your family time to get use to the new information. Don't be discouraged if it takes months or years to re-establish your relationships.

What is your motive for coming out now?
Never come out in anger or during an argument. If you come out in order to hurt someone, it will make it really hard for them to be supportive.

Are you financially dependent on your family?
If you suspect that your family will force you out of the house or cut off other types of financial support, you may want to wait until they don't have this power over you.

What is the moral/societal view of your family members?
If people in your family tend to see social issues in clear terms of good vs. bad or holy vs. sinful, you may expect that they will have some serious difficulty dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've been flexible about other changing societal matters, they may have an easier time working through their difficulties.

Is this your decision?
Realizing that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-gendered or two-spirited doesn't mean that you have to come out to your family. Don't be pressured into it if you are not sure you'll be better off by doing so.

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And remember, we're here 2 listen if you need us. Wanna talk?